& Together We Will Float Like Angels...

3 months is approaching.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:47:31 GMT

and things couldn't be more perfect.
everything is going great with mine and
john's new apartment and the start of
us spending the rest of our lives together.
i love that boy more than anyone else
could ever imagine. he gets it though.
and that's all that matters in the end.

mine and stephanie's friendship couldn't
get any better either. the three of us can
all hang out and actually get along now,
which makes me supremely happy. i hate
seeing her so lonely now though since her
and josh broke up. but i'm always here for
her and she knows that. we're gonna get her
a cute boy that will stick around. it's become
my new mission and i'm devoted to it.

john scared the piss out of me by
slamming the godforsaken refrigerator door.
he was angry, said that i was ignoring him.
i have been lately, i realized, just not on purpose.
so we ended up playing rummikub and now
he's watching scrubs and insisted that i come
back over here to finish this entry.

but anywho, things really haven't ever been
this great, and i'm wondering how long
it's actually going to last, this happiness.
i'm getting quite used to it and i'm
hoping it sticks around for quite a while.

dating john actually has turned out to be
the best decision that i've ever made.
sure it caused me to lose people that i thought
were the best, but it turns out the new
friends i've made over these last few months
are the greatest ones i've ever had.
none of them are overbearing and they're
all concerned about my happiness and
how i treat john, unlike old friends who
just didn't want me to hurt them and never
supported anything i did in the first place.
still, i have maark and stephanie and know
now more than ever that that's not going to change.

i have everyone i could ever need OR want.
i'm perfectly content with life, and i
intend to keep it that way.

and with the exception of early signs
of bronchitis/pneumonia, i feel great. :)

so yeah;

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 00:07:03 GMT

these past like, 5 days have been
QUITE eventful.
yesterday was 1 month :]
funny how we wouldn't last 2 weeks, ain't it.

but anyways.
my nose is running a lot and im really
sorta sick :|
i got sucked into babysitting when my mom
thinks im coming home tonight.
so much for that plan.

i really dont understand how you're able
to keep hope when you've gotta know somewhere
deep down how stupid you're making yourself look.

i'm still made out to be the bad one when all
i did was take a chance. i asked for support
and all i got back was rejection. i'm used to rejection.
but i never expected it from you. or you honestly.

i dont know how to put everything i need to say
to you into words so i'll leave it as this.
i miss you. both.
and i know there's nothing i can do to fix this.
but if you have any ideas, you know where i'll be.

you're fucking retarded.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 18:17:03 GMT

it's true =]

but anyways.
you can't avoid it much longer.
i know it's killing you.

until then though, you can go die.
not really, bc i would feel horrible.
but you get the point.

hot damn.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:46:17 GMT

i reallllllllllly suck at life.

so we're in tenny

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:40:08 GMT

and it's better with chickzzzz :]

hannah is cool.
and brandon too.

this is turning out better than
i could have ever imagined.

as soon as everything gets built back up

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 03:25:40 GMT

it crashes down again within
a matter of minutes.

i hate this pattern i keep seeing.

is it bad to be afraid

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 06:12:11 GMT

of not knowing what's next?

=/

i like you just the way you are

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:04:21 GMT

and i'm starting to
wonder why.

i've never looked better and you can't stand it.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 01:14:19 GMT

last night was weird.
i was thinking way too much and
ended up crying.
everything was perfect, i think i was
overanalyzing everything.

i know he cares, or nights like
those wouldn't keep occuring.
and i know he knows i care.
but i don't think he realizes the intensity >[

fuck me

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 01:11:42 GMT

and everything i stand for.

my ultimate decision

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:01:36 GMT

is NOT to give up on anything.
but to lay low for awhile.
just try everything i can to keep you and
anything to do without off of my mind.
i've been talking to rachel alot and she
told me that this is the time in our lives
to just have fun and not to worry about
guys and to not get mad when all they want
is sex.. it's just the age that they're at.
and she's completely right.
so i'm gonna focus on the girls for the next
few months and just hang out with them and
have no boy worries, no boy drama, and no more
fucking boy tears.
no matter how much i want things to progress
from here, i know how much you have going on
and i'm gonna leave you be for a bit.
i'll say it again, i'm not giving up.
i'm just taking a break.
i really don't even want to see you this weekend anymore.
i do, but it just makes things harder.
i'll stick with friendly conversations
over myspace, if even that.
so if you don't hear from me for awhile,
just know that i'm fine and i'm giving you
your space while i clear my mind.

people have been telling me

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:05:20 GMT

to let everything out.
get rid of everything that i have
harboring inside me.

and that's what i'm gonna do.
right now, tonight, everything's
getting out.
if you never read this,
i really don't care i'm doing this for me,
even though there's nothing i can
say to make you think anything different.

so here we go.

everything with you started so fast, and ended even quicker. yes, we all know that you cheated on your girlfriend at the time with me, and that was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. i wanted things to smooth over between you and rachel before anything between us got started. but unfortunately we got caught up in the moment and things started spiraling. you and rachel ended pretty badly, and i tried to be there for you as best as i could without acting happy that you were single and that i might actually have a chance with you. then, i had to make the biggest mistake ever and go and kiss joey that one night at church. then made a bigger mistake of trying to keep that from you. the shit with joey should have never happened, ever, and i should have seen your sincerity and not fallen into temptation. when all this happened, i felt like the lowest person in the world. and i wish more than anything that i could take that one night back. it's so vivid in my memory and it will never leave me. i close my eyes, and that's all i see, is me fucking up everything with one kiss. one kiss, ruined me and everything that i could ever want. after all that, i knew we would never again be as close as we were when we first met. then came our falling out... you dating amber and the period that you hated me. i never meant to make you think that me and rachel were ganging up against you. it wasn't like that at all. i still have the message that you sent me when all of that was going on. even with all the hurtful things you said, i knew that i deserved every bit of it. i still deserve what you're putting me through now. even though all of this happened, you still reassured me that you would always be in my heart and that we would always be best friends. you were always the one that i could come to about anything that was going on. you were my co-star. we worked well together. you saved my fucking life. don't you remember how much i needed you last year? how much you helped me? how much i cared about you? i remember it all. i remember alot more that i let on. things never again really smoothed out. we just acted like nothing happened. shane came back and i was all about him again, which was completely fucking stupid on my part. because deep down i knew that could never work, and i really never wanted it to. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking when i made some of the decisions that i did, but you were always there to support me even though it hurt you. you were, and are, a really amazing friend. but i can't seem to help that i want to be more than that. when i'm with you, and things are mellow, there's just no place that i would rather be. i have fallen so hard for you that i don't think there's any way that i'll be able to get up. i regret so much, and yet there's some times, events, and things that i wish more than anything that i could get back. you will seriously never leave me, no matter how far away you go. you're truly in my heart forever, whether you choose to be there or not. i can never let you go. i know that in the past, it hasn't been completely about you. i was preoccupied with something that i thought i wanted. i've realized a lot lately... you were the only one that really ever truly cared, i wish i would have seen you for what you are a long time ago. i hope that you can forgive me for all that i've put you through. and i wish more than anything that you would give me another chance. no, not even that. just the opportunity to prove myself to you. to prove that this is legit. to show you that you're the only one that i want. you're the only one that can make me feel alive. you make me feel like i'm on top of the world. and i never want to come down. please don't let me down like i let you down. please give me a chance. i want to give you the world. i want you to love me. i want you to care like you used to. all i want is a chance. i'm sorry. i love you. and i mean that more than you could ever know.

it's about time i got this out.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 06:22:12 GMT

but it shouldn't have happened
while you were drinking.
i hope you remember this.
i hope we can talk about
this when you're sober.

AND AIN'T NOBODY GONNA
HAVE NO FOURSOME.

it's you.
mhm.

jessi says i gotta have faith.
gotta have hope.
gotta keep caring.

i hope i didn't ruin things again.
i'm getting good at fucking things up around here.

what i have to say about all of this;

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 04:33:25 GMT

you;
what you fucking said
hurt the worst out of anyone's.
mainly bc you're the only one
who's opinion even matters to me.
you're the good guy, the nice one,
and yet you said some of the most
hurtful things about me.
i don't know how much more of this
torment i can take from you.
i love you.
and i'm sorry.

you;
after all the shit i've been through
with you through all of this time,
god damn, i think i had the right
to say fuck you, bc that's how i feel
right now. you've left me flat on my ass
more times than i can count.
you've hurt me more than anyone i know.
and yet, i still love you to death.
i wish you could have seen things
the way that i still do.
i love you.
and i'm sorry.

you;
wow. you still don't realize that you
mean the world to me.
i considered you my fucking hero.
i look up to you, and then you go
and call me childish and pull some
sort of gesture like this.
c'mon man.
none of y'all can see the ones that
care about you won't be there forever.
i'm done here.
i love you.
and i'm sorry.

you;
i've known you the longest.
you've never said the sort of things
about me before until tonight.
coming from you, this even surprised me.
you always say how i'm the only one
you care about, and you go and do this.
you're deeper than any of the other 3.
almost 6 years, what the fuck does that mean
to you, man wait no never mind.
it means nothing to you, just like me.
i love you.
and i'm sorry.

i never meant anything to any of you.
and i see that now.
hate me all you want.
i can return the favor.
i'm done.
i love you all.
and i'm sorry.

i hate this college bullhell already.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 15:56:42 GMT

ohhh dang.
18 more minutes.
4 hours of sleep.
this is not working.

i hate it here.

i bet she's beautiful.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 06:49:50 GMT

that girl he talks about.

once again, i want you so bad it hurts.
do you know?
can i tell you?
should i tell you?

you always seem so pre-occupied
that i never bring it up.

i love waking up beside you.
you make me feel like i matter.

i'm not sure anymore.
i wish i could tell you.

i wish you cared...

i want you both to leave this place.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 22:42:23 GMT

it would make my life
a whole hell of a lot easier.

word.

now i see

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:06:03 GMT

that i really AM
second best to you.

fuckin' a

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:08:42 GMT

last night was
aFUCKINGmazing.

i love my friends.
and we royally pissed off
the 9 year olds and i dont
think they will be returning
around here any time soon :D

why i love sammi;;

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 02:39:39 GMT

roundabout trip to the mall.
chineeeeeeeeeeeese.
KIMMEH!
runnin' from juju.
stalking him and quinneh.
going to rudy's while kristen is there
and making him hate us.
going BACK to sammi's and talking
about the shenanigans.
mcdonald's.
and boys like girls blasting the
whole entire time.

i love time alone wif sammers :D

i see now that

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 02:48:52 GMT

what i did was wrong.
mostly bc the reason i gave
was preposterous.
i shouldn't care what they think.
but i know now that you
hate me and you can deny
it all you want.
pretty much doesn't matter
to me anymore anyways bc idc
what no one thinks of me
or my actions :]

tonight.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 03:11:29 GMT

tonight made me realize that

1) there are NO attachments.
and
2) that this is all in
good fun [sammi agrees].
and
3) i'm gonna keep doing what
i do and not caring bout nothing.

:]

so me and sammi talked for awhile last night.

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 20:52:29 GMT

and i realized alot.
that i DONT need you.
i wanted you and there is a difference.
but it doesn't matter anymore.
i don't even care about your friendship.
nor your existence.
we's done :]

buttttt.
Charlotte was fun.
Warped was the best day ever.
the end :]

sooo bug's here.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 15:08:10 GMT

we bout to go up
to aunt judy's and swimmmm :D

ONE DAY TIL NC!
TWO DAYS TIL CAROWIND'S!
4 DAYS TIL WARPED!

i hate

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:36:42 GMT

i hate this bitch.

i hate life.

i hate you right now.

i hate not having texting.

i hate being alone.

i hate when my foot falls asleep.

i hate that you don't listen to reason.

i hate not knowing what will happen.

i hate waiting on the fun stuff.

i hate barely hanging on.

i hate myself.

i hate lewis lee.

i hate snakes.

i hate too much.

i hate life.