& Together We Will Float Like Angels... [entries|friends|calendar] rawruh The high seas echo "It's not you it's me" i'll stop stabbing when you stop screaming. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

3 months is approaching. [Tuesday January 22nd] and things couldn't be more perfect. everything is going great with mine and john's new apartment and the start of us spending the rest of our lives together. i love that boy more than anyone else could ever imagine. he gets it though. and that's all that matters in the end. mine and stephanie's friendship couldn't get any better either. the three of us can all hang out and actually get along now, which makes me supremely happy. i hate seeing her so lonely now though since her and josh broke up. but i'm always here for her and she knows that. we're gonna get her a cute boy that will stick around. it's become my new mission and i'm devoted to it. john scared the piss out of me by slamming the godforsaken refrigerator door. he was angry, said that i was ignoring him. i have been lately, i realized, just not on purpose. so we ended up playing rummikub and now he's watching scrubs and insisted that i come back over here to finish this entry. but anywho, things really haven't ever been this great, and i'm wondering how long it's actually going to last, this happiness. i'm getting quite used to it and i'm hoping it sticks around for quite a while. dating john actually has turned out to be the best decision that i've ever made. sure it caused me to lose people that i thought were the best, but it turns out the new friends i've made over these last few months are the greatest ones i've ever had. none of them are overbearing and they're all concerned about my happiness and how i treat john, unlike old friends who just didn't want me to hurt them and never supported anything i did in the first place. still, i have maark and stephanie and know now more than ever that that's not going to change. i have everyone i could ever need OR want. i'm perfectly content with life, and i intend to keep it that way. and with the exception of early signs of bronchitis/pneumonia, i feel great. :) i dropped all my lovers.i dropped all my lovers. † my love was my decay.

so yeah; [Sunday November 25th] these past like, 5 days have been QUITE eventful. yesterday was 1 month :] funny how we wouldn't last 2 weeks, ain't it. but anyways. my nose is running a lot and im really sorta sick :| i got sucked into babysitting when my mom thinks im coming home tonight. so much for that plan. i really dont understand how you're able to keep hope when you've gotta know somewhere deep down how stupid you're making yourself look. i'm still made out to be the bad one when all i did was take a chance. i asked for support and all i got back was rejection. i'm used to rejection. but i never expected it from you. or you honestly. i dont know how to put everything i need to say to you into words so i'll leave it as this. i miss you. both. and i know there's nothing i can do to fix this. but if you have any ideas, you know where i'll be. † my love was my decay.

you're fucking retarded. [Monday November 12th] it's true =] but anyways. you can't avoid it much longer. i know it's killing you. until then though, you can go die. not really, bc i would feel horrible. but you get the point. † my love was my decay.

hot damn. [Tuesday October 16th] i reallllllllllly suck at life. † my love was my decay.

so we're in tenny [Saturday October 6th] and it's better with chickzzzz :] hannah is cool. and brandon too. this is turning out better than i could have ever imagined. † my love was my decay.

as soon as everything gets built back up [Monday September 24th] it crashes down again within a matter of minutes. i hate this pattern i keep seeing. † my love was my decay.

is it bad to be afraid [Friday September 21st] of not knowing what's next? =/ † my love was my decay.

i like you just the way you are [Thursday September 20th] and i'm starting to wonder why. † my love was my decay.

i've never looked better and you can't stand it. [Saturday September 15th] last night was weird. i was thinking way too much and ended up crying. everything was perfect, i think i was overanalyzing everything. i know he cares, or nights like those wouldn't keep occuring. and i know he knows i care. but i don't think he realizes the intensity >[ † my love was my decay.

fuck me [Friday September 14th] and everything i stand for. † my love was my decay.

my ultimate decision [Wednesday September 12th] is NOT to give up on anything. but to lay low for awhile. just try everything i can to keep you and anything to do without off of my mind. i've been talking to rachel alot and she told me that this is the time in our lives to just have fun and not to worry about guys and to not get mad when all they want is sex.. it's just the age that they're at. and she's completely right. so i'm gonna focus on the girls for the next few months and just hang out with them and have no boy worries, no boy drama, and no more fucking boy tears. no matter how much i want things to progress from here, i know how much you have going on and i'm gonna leave you be for a bit. i'll say it again, i'm not giving up. i'm just taking a break. i really don't even want to see you this weekend anymore. i do, but it just makes things harder. i'll stick with friendly conversations over myspace, if even that. so if you don't hear from me for awhile, just know that i'm fine and i'm giving you your space while i clear my mind. † my love was my decay.

people have been telling me [Monday September 3rd] to let everything out. get rid of everything that i have harboring inside me. and that's what i'm gonna do. right now, tonight, everything's getting out. if you never read this, i really don't care i'm doing this for me, even though there's nothing i can say to make you think anything different. so here we go. everything with you started so fast, and ended even quicker. yes, we all know that you cheated on your girlfriend at the time with me, and that was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. i wanted things to smooth over between you and rachel before anything between us got started. but unfortunately we got caught up in the moment and things started spiraling. you and rachel ended pretty badly, and i tried to be there for you as best as i could without acting happy that you were single and that i might actually have a chance with you. then, i had to make the biggest mistake ever and go and kiss joey that one night at church. then made a bigger mistake of trying to keep that from you. the shit with joey should have never happened, ever, and i should have seen your sincerity and not fallen into temptation. when all this happened, i felt like the lowest person in the world. and i wish more than anything that i could take that one night back. it's so vivid in my memory and it will never leave me. i close my eyes, and that's all i see, is me fucking up everything with one kiss. one kiss, ruined me and everything that i could ever want. after all that, i knew we would never again be as close as we were when we first met. then came our falling out... you dating amber and the period that you hated me. i never meant to make you think that me and rachel were ganging up against you. it wasn't like that at all. i still have the message that you sent me when all of that was going on. even with all the hurtful things you said, i knew that i deserved every bit of it. i still deserve what you're putting me through now. even though all of this happened, you still reassured me that you would always be in my heart and that we would always be best friends. you were always the one that i could come to about anything that was going on. you were my co-star. we worked well together. you saved my fucking life. don't you remember how much i needed you last year? how much you helped me? how much i cared about you? i remember it all. i remember alot more that i let on. things never again really smoothed out. we just acted like nothing happened. shane came back and i was all about him again, which was completely fucking stupid on my part. because deep down i knew that could never work, and i really never wanted it to. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking when i made some of the decisions that i did, but you were always there to support me even though it hurt you. you were, and are, a really amazing friend. but i can't seem to help that i want to be more than that. when i'm with you, and things are mellow, there's just no place that i would rather be. i have fallen so hard for you that i don't think there's any way that i'll be able to get up. i regret so much, and yet there's some times, events, and things that i wish more than anything that i could get back. you will seriously never leave me, no matter how far away you go. you're truly in my heart forever, whether you choose to be there or not. i can never let you go. i know that in the past, it hasn't been completely about you. i was preoccupied with something that i thought i wanted. i've realized a lot lately... you were the only one that really ever truly cared, i wish i would have seen you for what you are a long time ago. i hope that you can forgive me for all that i've put you through. and i wish more than anything that you would give me another chance. no, not even that. just the opportunity to prove myself to you. to prove that this is legit. to show you that you're the only one that i want. you're the only one that can make me feel alive. you make me feel like i'm on top of the world. and i never want to come down. please don't let me down like i let you down. please give me a chance. i want to give you the world. i want you to love me. i want you to care like you used to. all i want is a chance. i'm sorry. i love you. and i mean that more than you could ever know. i dropped all my lovers.i dropped all my lovers. † my love was my decay.

it's about time i got this out. [Wednesday August 29th] but it shouldn't have happened while you were drinking. i hope you remember this. i hope we can talk about this when you're sober. AND AIN'T NOBODY GONNA HAVE NO FOURSOME. it's you. mhm. jessi says i gotta have faith. gotta have hope. gotta keep caring. i hope i didn't ruin things again. i'm getting good at fucking things up around here. † my love was my decay.

what i have to say about all of this; [Saturday August 25th] you; what you fucking said hurt the worst out of anyone's. mainly bc you're the only one who's opinion even matters to me. you're the good guy, the nice one, and yet you said some of the most hurtful things about me. i don't know how much more of this torment i can take from you. i love you. and i'm sorry. you; after all the shit i've been through with you through all of this time, god damn, i think i had the right to say fuck you, bc that's how i feel right now. you've left me flat on my ass more times than i can count. you've hurt me more than anyone i know. and yet, i still love you to death. i wish you could have seen things the way that i still do. i love you. and i'm sorry. you; wow. you still don't realize that you mean the world to me. i considered you my fucking hero. i look up to you, and then you go and call me childish and pull some sort of gesture like this. c'mon man. none of y'all can see the ones that care about you won't be there forever. i'm done here. i love you. and i'm sorry. you; i've known you the longest. you've never said the sort of things about me before until tonight. coming from you, this even surprised me. you always say how i'm the only one you care about, and you go and do this. you're deeper than any of the other 3. almost 6 years, what the fuck does that mean to you, man wait no never mind. it means nothing to you, just like me. i love you. and i'm sorry. i never meant anything to any of you. and i see that now. hate me all you want. i can return the favor. i'm done. i love you all. and i'm sorry. † my love was my decay.

i hate this college bullhell already. [Monday August 20th] [ mood | bored ] ohhh dang. 18 more minutes. 4 hours of sleep. this is not working. i hate it here. † my love was my decay.

i bet she's beautiful. [Monday August 20th] [ mood | nervous ] that girl he talks about. once again, i want you so bad it hurts. do you know? can i tell you? should i tell you? you always seem so pre-occupied that i never bring it up. i love waking up beside you. you make me feel like i matter. i'm not sure anymore. i wish i could tell you. i wish you cared... † my love was my decay.

i want you both to leave this place. [Wednesday August 8th] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Chiodos ] it would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier. word. † my love was my decay.

now i see [Saturday August 4th] that i really AM second best to you. † my love was my decay.

fuckin' a [Thursday August 2nd] last night was aFUCKINGmazing. i love my friends. and we royally pissed off the 9 year olds and i dont think they will be returning around here any time soon :D † my love was my decay.

why i love sammi;; [Saturday July 28th] roundabout trip to the mall. chineeeeeeeeeeeese. KIMMEH! runnin' from juju. stalking him and quinneh. going to rudy's while kristen is there and making him hate us. going BACK to sammi's and talking about the shenanigans. mcdonald's. and boys like girls blasting the whole entire time. i love time alone wif sammers :D † my love was my decay.

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